相信

被相信被肯定的感覺是幸福的. 要記下來, 不然怕記憶背叛了你我.

收到阿守的電郵, 他是在Papua New Guinea 遇見的一個25歲緬甸男生. 在PNG的其中一個城市遇見一個中年男人, 交談之下才發現他是 the President of PNG Burmese Association.打後的城市, 每當落泊、沒有落腳處時, 便向那個城市的burmese members 求助.

而遇見阿守, 是在回到capital Port Morseby的時侯, 而我們會在第二天的早上飛回香港. 那一晚, 那個bumese community, we ate together, we drank together, we sang, we danced, we smoke and we talked…

夜深了, 我們坐在一起, 談以前high school, 談未來, 他說, 他想成立一個教育基金, 去幫助緬甸學生, 因為只有教育可以改變思想,改變人生…

墨國經常在violance n shooting 的包圍中, 想起在PNG經歷著相同的他, 在農歷新年, 收到他的email, 告訴我, 有一群人到他工作的supermarket 打劫, 槍戰中, 一個保安受傷了.
便寫了一個電郵給他, 告訴他, I feel him.

and then he wrote back with encouragement attached.

don’t give up to get your goal in your hands. now is really close n time for u to grab the opportunities around u. I believe from the start that you are very sharp n active to achieve even though lots of ups n downs awaiting.


感動極了.

*                                                *                                        *

Carol mama sent 了一個inbox message 給我, 她是catch magazine 的editor之一.
我跟她說,我很好, 總是遇到了好人. 而學習上, felt belittled coz those classmates are really talented and knowledgeable.

she wrote back:

“i find the reason why ppl doing good to you,
it’s because you are a really nice girl,
you are kind, nice and brave……
anyway, ppl can’t help being good to you!”

“Remember the parable of 1000, 2000, 5000 ?
the one gain another 2000, praised with the same words comparing the one gain another 5000. the point is, they are praised and affirmed for their attitude, “good and faithful” !!!
(to me, you are talented, really the one got 5000)
you are the kind of person, never “play-it-safe”, which is precious in God’s eyes ^^”


*                                             *                                                            *

或許是因為在一個單親家庭成長, 又因為在生命不同的浮萍奔波中, 外表堅強的自己其實很不安, 有時,別人的一個眼神, 一個舉動, all have a haunting effect on the peace of mind. feel like such imperfection can hamper the harmony of relationship, and then those people will just walk away from your life.
years later, if chance works in our turn, then we discuss , then we found out such discrepancy between our perceptions towards the specific incident, 才發現我們都錯過了彼此.

to avoid such Right Person, Right place, but Wrong time 的遺憾,所以很用心地對待每一個人.

     可是苦了自己.所以可以遇到一個人/ 群體, 可以舒服做自己的機會不多.

想起前天的bungee jump. 雙手緊握的放不開, 想起昨天去mexico rural 跟local 同學討論, 之前Mexican perception of Chinese as Ugly, 一個同學大呼不是, 說,
“well, we make jokes out of Mexicans lots of times, we make fun out of many things. Maybe making fun out of Chinese is one of such.”

直至下筆的現在,忽然明白了什麼, 是那種對”自我感覺良好”的執著, 是對完美自我的包裝. 是少了一種 nothing-to-lose 的勇氣.

people come and go and walk away, why cares so much ?
and why do I have to be perfect to be accepted?

If those people just walk away from you just because of small stain in your personality, should you put them in you heart ?

從今天起, 要做一個勇敢的黃秋娥. 🙂

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