訪問

“你想知道我的人生故事,沒關係,只要不披露我的身份,我可以毫無保留地說出來。” 44歲的Wendy說。

“我怕麻煩到你們,所以我親自來做訪問了.” 她說, 隨行的還有她十歲的兒子.

太多的話想說,太多的情緒鬱結,訪問才開始不久,她已哭成淚人. 還未聽完問題,已答非所問地把自己的辛酸傾訴出來。 

除了一雙耳朵,能做其實不多.

負責訪問的BBC記者, Fiona, 也沉默了, such sadness and desperation can be transmitted without verbal communication….

是次訪問,是BBC World service Radio 的一個節目,題材是有關精神健康,受訪的WENDY是抑鬱症患者。

你可以把所有對中港婚姻,新移民的stereotype都放在她身上,只是那都只是flattened reality.

WENDY在25歲時與30歲的香港丈夫經朋友介紹認識而結婚。好不容易申請來港一家團聚,可現實的的沉重卻把所有的一切,一家五口擠在一個小單位,只有一張桌子,一張床,還要是和另外一個家庭同居。

抹殺了所有昔日的溫馨與希冀。惡言相向代替了當初的甜言蜜語;肢體衝撞是最貼身的接觸,曾經信誓旦旦說要”照顧你一輩子,無論貧賤富貴還是生老病死…” 變成了”你他媽的拖累了我…”

“我在香港無親無故,所有的苦只能一個人扛。”再回憶,淚如泉湧。

離了婚,帶著3個孩子靠綜援過活,但因為要照顧小朋友,不能找全職工作,可綜援又不够用,於是只好打不同的兼職,做清潔,洗碗。

她說,”我很對不起我的小朋友,不能為他們提供學習上的支援。像電腦,對我們來說是一種的奢侈品,買是一種龐大的支出,之後要的上網費,電費,唉,哪支付得起?”說完,眼淚又來了。

談到未來,WENDY 說,”我只希望兒女能用功讀書,有一份工作,可以支持生活,可以脫貧,而自己也可以做一些對社會有意義的事。”

WENDY 的小兒子房間的另一角看書。

一個充滿動盪和災難的環境裡,人仍能擁抱對美好社會的盼望,並拿出無比的勇氣去實踐,即使過程中也有錯失的時候。” –張翠容

-------
訪問完後,FIONA 給了300元的車馬費給WENDY。
可WENDY死也不肯要,”這怎麼成呢,要人家破費,我親自來酒店訪問就是不想讓人家麻煩。”

“你快告訴她,我不能要,也不想要。”她把錢塞給我。

“You tell her, I don’t usually give money to people, I want to give her. treat it as I am buying her time for the interview." Fiona refused to get back the money.

經過一番的你推我讓,WENDY終於收下了。 

“那,我收下了,快告訴她,我真是不好意思。”帶點忐忑,無限的感激,WENDY說,一滴淚珠仍停在眼角。

-----

同樣擁有一個十歲大的兒子的FIONA,替WENDY的兒子感到難過,”having such mom, when Wendy finds life hard, she is going to hit them.”

“It must be hard for her son too. Listening to what she has said, all the bitterness and hardship…” A tinge of sadness can be seen from Fiona’s face. Her voice is low, like being pressed upon, that sort of struggling tone…

“I don’t know if it is right for me to give her money. Will she feel bad? but at that time, I just want to give her. so poor, so desperate, she came over to do the interview… Chau, Am I right to do so?” Fiona asked.

“But her children is also a source for her burden. and Wendy said, she tried to lecture them on working hard, they just called her ‘psycho’ and neglected her.” I tried to give context for the situation.

———
父母….成長環境….

想起之前看的一齣戲–《Into the Wild》男主角為的是父母的感情破裂,而懷疑人生,懷疑生存的意義,大學畢業後,把所有的身份證明文件都消毀,把所有的身外物都拋棄,孤身出走,named as supertramper, 流浪人生,品味孤獨。

最終孤獨在荒野死去,人生大限,領悟到的是: ”Happiness is only real when shared.”

想起在墨西哥遇見的以色列男人, GUY, 德國小丑, MERLIN. how has the parental relationship ruined a life. some are lucky, 在大喜大悲後,重新上路; some are so-so, 堅持走自己的路,只是永遠都在逃的狀態….

If parents are also learning how to be parents, can them be more cautious, they are ruining other lives ?

sigh….

—————–
Fiona 說,不明白,為什麼亞洲人會把教育看得那麼重要,好像是成績好就等於聰明,好未來…
她知道兒子在所謂的名校讀得不開心後,便他轉到一間”平庸”的非主流學校.

“It is a German school.They adopt different teaching methods. they allow children to try different things. To me, the most important in life is to be happy. let them have a happy growth. If the school doesn’t suit him, he will lose the interest to explore further by himself. and even gradually give up learning.” She said.

她也是一個很有自己主見的人.

18歲高中畢業後,在printing industry 工作了5年, 後來發現自己沒上大學, 好像”something is missing”, 於是重投大學, 在LSE (London School of Economics) 讀的是 international relationships.

畢業後, 曾在電視台便了一會兒,可覺得不適合自己, 於是去了BBC.

“I really love Radio. TV production needs a lot of people, the entire crew. But Radio. with a mic and a recorder, I have greater freedom and flexibility.”

hmmmm, follow your heart, and choose whatever you love and love whatever you choose.

cliche, but finding what you love is a hard nut to crack while taking the reality into account.

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2 thoughts on “訪問

  1. 對,兩天的採訪,從沉迷上網的青年到抑鬱症婦女,再到癮君子的浪子回頭, 從青山醫院不同醫生對香港對精神情緒患者所提供的服務的矛盾說法,再到社區中途宿舍的考察, 然後是一個朋友說,自己的中同因為抑鬱而跳樓自殺, 香港生活很沉重…

    而更可悲的是,受訪者都說他們看不見自己的未來…

    Like

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